


Masturbation 3 (Two Heads Are Better Than One)

by FlyBoy



Series: McGarrett's Manual of Masturbation [3]
Category: Hawaii Five-0 (2010)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-21
Updated: 2011-09-21
Packaged: 2017-10-23 22:09:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/255572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlyBoy/pseuds/FlyBoy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sequel to the sequel that I never planned to write.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Masturbation 3 (Two Heads Are Better Than One)

After the way their morning started, Danny and Steve spent the remainder of their day keeping their distance from one another. At about 6:00, when Chin and Kono had called it a day and gone home, Danny Williams appeared in his boss's door.

"You speaking to me yet?"

"I hate you," Steve said without looking up. "Want to get a beer?"

"You just want to talk about jerking off. Just say it!"

"No. I really would like a beer. Now, in the course of things if the topic of … manual manipulation of … the male member should arise, I'm prepared to contribute more fully to the conversation."

"Have you been sitting in here all day Googling 'masturbation'?"

"No!" he protested. "I did that last night. And it didn't turn up nearly as much as I expected."

"McGarrett! You are such a study in contrasts. On the one hand you're fearless. You'll throw yourself in front of an out-of-control train going at 200 miles per hour. You'll wrestle nuclear warheads to the ground while simultaneously defusing them. But you can't say 'masturbation'. What is it about that word that both intrigues you and scares the crap out of you at the same time?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. It's a word – a simple word for a very simple process."

"This is interesting," Danny said, suddenly philosophical. "I wonder if that's the reason there are so many thousands of terms for masturbation? Because men can't say the word."

"You don't seem to have a problem with the word. You've had no problem saying it dozens of times already today." Steve smiled.

"I'm not the average man."

"You can say that again."

"I'm way above average in every regard. What? What's the smile?"

"Just thinking about the look of stark terror on Chin's face this morning when you asked him if he …"

"Masturbated. You can say it. Come on, big guy. You can do it. I asked if Chin masturbated."

Trying his hardest to ignore Danny, Steve added, "And then you had to go and ask Kono! That woman has no fear."

"I know. She's like a younger version of you. Without the penis, of course."

"Danno. Beer. Now."

"Thank you. I was beginning to wonder how long you were gonna drag this out?"

"Me? You were the one talking, like usual!"

Once ensconced in a booth at their favorite after-work watering hole, Danny looked at Steve with a huge smile and said, "Ok. I know you're just dying to tell me, so go ahead. What has the Master of Masturbation learned? Give me some of your research results."

Steve pulled a folded up piece of paper from his shirt pocket. When he unfolded the paper Danny could see that both sides of the stand piece of notebook paper were covered, side to side, top to bottom, with small hand-writing."

"You've been busy," Danny said.

"If you're gonna do something, you should do it right."

"Yeah, blah, blah. Lay 'em on me."

"Ok. Ready?"

"Yes!!!"

"Ok. Well, we have the age-old jerk off."

"Um huh. Proceed."

"One man tug-of-war."

"Yep, that one's been around longer than you and I have been. Next?"

"Running in single-user mode."

"What does that even mean? Never mind – probably some kind of geek thing I don't want to know about. Next."

"Prostate maintenance."

"Gross. Next."

"What? Prostate health is very important – especially for a man of your age."

"Next!"

"Saying hi to big Jim and the twins."

"Good one."

"Pulling the pud."

"Another old one, although I don't know what a 'pud' is."

"Neither do I." Checking his notes, Steve went on, "Walking the one-eyed dog."

"Not that impressed. Proceed."

"Fondling the fajita."

"Well, that's just gross."

"I didn't make these up – I'm just the messenger."

"Right. Go on."

"Blue ball baseball."

Another nod.

"Chugging the choo-choo. Rubbing the Buddha for good luck. Shaking hands with Mr. Happy." Steve looked up with a look of absolute delight on his face. "And my all time favorite from last night: Skipping rocks off the lake of love."

"Skipping rocks off the lake of love? Have to remember that one. Proceed."

"Taming Goliath."

"Someone's awfully confident about the size of his manhood."

"Hey, if you've got it …"

"Ok, ok. Go on."

"Oh, I love this one: The Rise and Fall of Peter the Great."

"I know, tower of power."

"Verifying your manhood."

"Doesn't seem to be a problem you've ever experienced."

"Are you mocking me?"

"Duh? Yes!"

"Ok. What have you got? Let me hear some entries from the Williams book of … masculinity."

"Well, your efforts were good. But you missed some classics."

"Such as?"

"Assault on a friendly weapon."

Steve rolled his eyes. "Go on."

"Attending to the throb knob needs."

"Wait. Say that again."

"Attending to the throb knob needs. Trust me – it's an old one."

"And you complained about 'taming Goliath'?"

"Yes. Now shut up. I have the floor."

"More like the gutter, but proceed," he said with a bow of his head.

"Banging your bacon."

Steve started to protest abut decided to not even try.

"Beating the bed flute. Beef stroke-it-off. Belaboring the obvious."

Steve dropped his head to the table. "Go on."

"Bleeding the weed. Climbing the corporate ladder. Crank yanking."

Steve moaned.

"What? You were a fucking sailor! I can't believe you haven't heard these! I thought you guys invented half of these."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"Practicing safe sex." Suddenly thinking of something, Danny excitedly said, "Oh! Oh! You should know this one! Ganging the plank."

"Yes, but I had better taste than to repeat it."

"Having group sex with five friends." Danny clapped his hands in obvious delight. "And the topper of the evening. You ready for it?"

"Yes."

"You sure?"

"Yes!"

"Jackin' the Beanstalk."

Steve was quiet for a moment. "That's actually not bad. Wait. I need to write that down."

"McGarrett. You are just a big adolescent. Drink your beer. And I'm still gonna teach you to say 'masturbation'."

"I thought that's what we've been doing for 24 hours."

"Drink your beer."

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. I've exhausted my list. It's been fun (surprisingly, which scares me a bit).


End file.
